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Ask Ustaz Haniff: Future Wife Reluctant to Live Away from Her Mother

23rd September 2016 by Corp Comms

From pexels.com

Marriage requires adjustments from all parties, but not everyone can adjust at the same pace. Photo from pexels.com

 

Republished from Ustaz Haniff’s Facebook with his kind permission. Edited by Perdaus and translated by Azma Abu Basri.

Ask Ustaz Haniff #6: Future Wife Reluctant to Live Away from Her Mother

Query:

I have a concern in which my wife-to-be doesn’t want to live away from her mother. She wants her mother to live with us after we are married.

Frankly, I disagree because I feel that I would be uncomfortable with our marital issues being known to my mother-in-law. Surely, I would want some privacy in marriage. Also, I wouldn’t want my parents to feel awkward when visiting our home in the future.

What is the solution to this problem, Ustaz?

Response:

This matter is not so much a religious concern, as it is a marital issue. Therefore, it is best for you to consult a marital counsellor.

There are neither easy nor absolute solutions to this kind of issue. It depends on the given circumstances. There is also no single perfect answer or solution, and there will always be pros and cons to a chosen solution.

Therefore, rationally, and where religion is concerned, the guideline is to decide on a solution that has its benefits outweighing its costs.

The process requires you to discuss with your wife-to-be and her mother on you respective hopes and expectations, in negotiating the best (but not necessarily the most perfect) outcome.

Your wish for privacy and being independent is valid, but it doesn’t mean that it has to happen overnight.

Marriage requires adjustments from all parties, but not everyone can change and adjust at the same pace. Any changes should be gradual. This may be what your wife-to-be need, with your support.

Remember too, that maybe what is best is not for you to expect your wife-to-be to change, but instead, for you to invest effort in adjusting to how she is.

There are many married couples that live happily and harmoniously with their parents. This requires all parties to be open-minded.

 


Tanya Ustaz Haniff #6: Bakal Isteri Payah Berpisah Dengan Ibunya

Soalan:

Saya ada masalah di mana bakal isteri saya tidak mahu berpisah dengan ibunya dan mahu ibunya tinggal bersama kami setelah berkahwin.

Sejujurnya, saya tidak setuju kerana saya akan berasa kurang selesa apabila semua hal rumahtangga saya diketahui oleh bakal ibu mertua saya.

Pastinya saya mahukan privasi dalam berumahtangga dan pastinya saya tidak mahu ibu-bapa saya berasa segan apabila hendak menziarahi rumah kami nanti.

Apakah penyelesaian kepada permasalahan saya ini, Ustaz?

Jawapan:

Hal ini bukan masalah hukum agama. Ia lebih merupakan masalah psikologi rumahtangga. Oleh itu, sebaiknya anda bertanya pada pakar kaunseling rumahtangga.

Masalah sebegini tiada jawapan atau huraian yang mudah dan muktamad. Ia bergantung pada keadaan yang ada. Tiada juga satu huraian atau jawapan yang sempurna. Apa jua huraian, pasti ada kebaikan dan keburukannya.

Oleh itu, dari segi agama dan rasional, panduannya ialah untuk anda membuat keputusan berdasarkan apa yang lebih banyak kebaikan dan kurang kemudaratannya.

Prosesnya pula ialah dengan berbincang bersama bakal isteri dan ibu mertua tentang hasrat dan harapan masing-masing. Lalu, cari jalan tolak ansur yang terbaik (bukan yang paling sempurna).

Hasrat anda untuk berdikari dan ada privasi memang wajar, tetapi ia juga bukan bermakna mesti dilakukan secara mendadak.

Perkahwinan memerlukan perubahan daripada semua pihak. Tetapi, tidak semua pihak boleh berubah pada kadar yang segera.

Tambahan pula, apa jua perubahan hendaklah dilakukan secara beransur-ansur. Mungkin ini yang diperlukan oleh bakal isteri anda dengan bantuan anda juga.

Renungkan, mungkin juga yang terbaik bukan meminta bakal isteri anda berubah, tetapi diri anda sendiri yang patut berusaha untuk menyesuaikan diri pada keadaan bakal isteri anda.

Terdapat ramai pasangan yang berumahtangga dan hidup bersama orang tua mereka dalam keadaan harmoni dan bahagia. Semua pihak perlu bersikap terbuka.

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Filed Under: Malay/Melayu, Q&A, Ust Haniff Tagged With: conflict, family, in-laws, marriage

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